Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
“i miss shittin on people”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Body by sandwich.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*