ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
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[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.