Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
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My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.