Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*