My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
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Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work