LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.