What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Sign of the day..
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
😂😂😂
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?