I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
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Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My typo game is string.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.