To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Life hack
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”