I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
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Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
marvel comics have peaked
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true