as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
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Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.