Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
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I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”