[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
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I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Worst Native American name ever.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.