My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
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Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
That’s it.I’m out.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*