people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist