How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
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FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I hope it’s French Onion!
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.