There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
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Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I triple waxed for this?
Who says great literature is dead?