Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
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I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”