I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife