Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
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Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
That was easy.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.