Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
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the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
“A little help here, Danny?”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”