imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
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When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”