your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
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Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.