So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry