Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none