Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
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“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
My five year plan is a meteorite
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.