nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
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I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…