a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*