Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
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Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?