“OMGJK” -atheists
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
This is the one
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this