i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*