If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
🏙👨🏼
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!