Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
You Might Also Like
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.