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I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
thank god
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.