Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class