I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
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Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic