My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
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Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.