Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
You Might Also Like
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
#Caturday
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.