I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
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“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?