Just me?
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[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve