DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Important
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.