I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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😆this is so true
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.