It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
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I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
NASA has no chill
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.