Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Hey I worked for it too!
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.