If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
You Might Also Like
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.