Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Phones down.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Me, in DM rooms…
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”