a lot to unpack here
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COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“you recording!?”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan