Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you