Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
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A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?