Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
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11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I feel it
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.